help

[capnzebbie]

Would someone please tell me that I'm not worthless because I don't have any children and I'm 47 years old?

Would someone please tell me that I'm not crazy to think I still might possibly have a child even though I'm 47 years old?

And would someone please tell me that it's okay to still be ambivalent about this?

I'm looking at this website and this website and I'm very unhappy.

My mother is unhappy because she only has one grandchild. She wanted to have a lot of them. It's a shame that parents can't control that. *sigh* I've never really wanted to have children, but every time she talks about this I feel guilty. And I know I shouldn't. It's a shame that I can't control that.

I haven't wasted my life. But right now I just can't think of anything I've done.

It's entirely possible that I will continue to be ambivalent about this until my uterus falls out from disuse.

Comments

[mahaliem.livejournal.com]

Of course you're not worthless because you don't have children. I have two older sisters and neither of them have children.

I do have to confess that I am looking forward to grandchildren in about 10 - 15 years, though my daughter tells me that her children will be furry and say 'meow'.

As for being ambivalent, I understand. Tell me, though - when you look at babies and toddlers, do you find yourself going "Awwwww" or are you unaffected? I always adored babies, but my sisters didn't care for them at all. In fact, one told me she always thought babies were ugly and stinky.

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

If you've never really wanted to have kids, please please don't let anybody guilt you into doing so. They're this huge, messy, intensely annoying, irritating, exhausting, wonderful and rewarding undertaking and if you don't want one more than anything in the world it'll be horrible for you both.

There's no reason why a 47 year old woman can't have a child - my grandmother, for example, was over 50 when her last child was born. I'm 47 - there are days when I am convinced I want to have a baby before it's too late, and more when I know that isn't the course for me to take. I think, honestly, it's our genetic programming kicking in telling us to reproduce one more time before we lose the ability, but it isn't 30,000 years ago and we don't have to worry about producing another one for the tribe now.

If your mom wants lots of grandchildren, let her volunteer at a local orphanage - there are plenty of kids there who would just love to have an interested older adult come and pay some attention to them.

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

YES! Listen to mahaliam. You're just fine, whatever you would want to do. Now, admittedly, I'm one of those people who always said "I want to be a Mom," when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. It's old-fashioned and nobody wants to say things like that nowadays, but that was my ambition, period. I look at babies and toddlers and go "awwwww" and I adore them, even when they make me want to pull my hair out and move to a deserted island in the South Pacific. On the other hand, I know many people who think babies are the plague and avoid them as such, and they're still very nice people! You have to do what's right for you (not your mother).

[dominik.livejournal.com]

You're not worthless, you're not crazy, and it's ok to be ambivalent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. :)

It's not your mother's decision.

And also, *hugs*.

You had a birthday, didn't you? I keep missing these things :(

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

I never liked babies. I don't like babies now. If I'd planned on a pregnancy, I wouldn't have a kid now. Yes, the occasional baby will make me make a high-pitched, "awmigodsocute" but that's it. Don't try to make me touch the baby. Bring me the baby when they can walk, talk and order from a menu.

Babies don't make you better, not having one doesn't make you worthless. Haven't we moved beyond the point that women are meat factories? I adore my child, I'd die for my child but Monie's Mom is not all that I am--and I don't define myself by her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, but if I'd never had a child, I would have been just as happy. The same is not true of the Mr. He wanted a child badly. I devoted a lot of time trying to think of ways to explain to him that we weren't going to have kids.
My doctor told me I probably wouldn't have kids without hormone therapy, so my pregnancy was a complete shock. I cried in the office when they told me I was pregnant. (i took the test three times to be sure!) I had to lie and tell the nurse they were tears of joy, because she got upset. *G* good times, good times...

Not everyone is cut out to be a mom, god knows. I tried my best to be a decent mom, and she seems to be okay--but I only have one kid,and that was probably a good decision on my part.

No guilt, god, don't ever let anyone guilt you into a kid!

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Thank you so much! You made me laugh, which is good, because I've been a bit teary.

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dk! I appreciate the affirmations and validations! :)

And yes, I just turned 47--lol! I miss my flist BDays too--I just discovered that my userinfo page tells me the birthdays, so I'm going to try to do better.

*hugs back*

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

Eeeep! You are TOTALLY FINE!! Don't let anyone tell you different!

Parents are very good at creating guilt (heh! maybe one good reason not to be one!). My mother wanted many many children and ended up with only one (me). To stave off The Pressure I have insisted from an early age that I wasn't going to have kids, yet I still see that mournful look in my mother's eye... and she's got a really nice habit of telling my in-laws that I won't have kids 'because I'm afraid of pain'. Nice!

The choice to be a parent is a very personal one and one that you should never be pressured into. And there are many ways of becoming a parent as well--you don't know what might yet happen.

I am only young (28) but already I'm wondering if I'll have these issues to confront as well, as I'm still ambivalent about children. But damn that biology/hormones that makes me worry about this! I swear I'd never even think about it if it wasn't for that...

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

AWWWW no! Don't be teary!! *snuggles all over you* I'm glad I made you laugh, lovey!

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

Thanks you, em!

it's our genetic programming kicking in I know that has to be part of it. I do think babies are cute, but then I remember that there are over 6 billion people in the world and we are reaching the point at which we are swimming in our own shit, and I just start to think that reproducing is not an excellent idea. *sigh* ambivalent.

My mom occasionally points out to me stories about older women having babies. I know she tries hard not to make me feel guilty about it, but her longing does come through.

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

I do like babies and toddlers, but older children are generally irritating and smell funny (imo) and teenagers are a plague upon the earth. So you can see where the ambivalence kicks in.

You're just fine, whatever you would want to do

Thank you! *hugs*

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

Are your sisters happy? I'm usually happy, except when mom starts wishing she had more than one grandchild.

I do like babies and toddlers, but usually when I see them on TV, strangely enough.

Sometimes I feel a bit selfish, or self-absorbed, or something--like there's something wrong with me that I don't really want to have children. That's one of the reasons I looked up the "childless by choice" websites. It's good to know that there are other people out there like me. *hugs*

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

I think my mom tries hard not to make me feel guilty, and I take total responsibility for the guilty-feeling thing, but yeah, she does express the longing for more than one grandchild.

It seems like so many of the people in my life always knew, "I'm going to get married. I'm going to have kids." I never had those thoughts. It was never automatic for me as it seems to be for them.

I'm usually okay, but sometimes it just gets to me and I start feeling all wrong. *HUGS* Thanks for the support!

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

*g* I think part of the tearyness is PMS, which is very ironic, isn't it?

Also, "meat factories" Hee! See? That's why you're such a good writer! Imagery!

okay

[lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com]

let me ask you this. are you happy? honestly?

Re: okay

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

I'm usually pretty happy, content with my life. As I told roxy up there, part of my emotional thing right now may be PMS--I tend to get a bit depressed during that. And I guess part of it is that I just had a birthday.

I feel much better now after the supportive comments on this. I don't usually whine about stuff in LJ or ask for support, but I was feeling a little overwhelmed, so it was nice that people took the time to comment.

[mahaliem.livejournal.com]

My oldest sister is quite content with her life.

My other sister has problems that keep her from being happy, but if you added children into the equation, her problems would be multiplied, so it's probably for the best. She has never expressed any regrets about not having children. She has, however, mentioned she's glad she doesn't have any.

*hugs and cuddles you*

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

It's good to know that your sisters are content with their choice. Thank you for the hugs and cuddles! :)

[justabi.livejournal.com]

Your worth is in no way determined by whether or not you chose to procreate. Seriously. Now, being witty and smart and a delightful person, those are things that do have something to do with your worth, and as such you are a very valuable human being.

[sugar-mcduff.livejournal.com]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids and in no way does that make you worthless. Don't let your mother guilt trip you. Its not your responsiblity to keep her happy.

Kids are a HUGE responsibility and committment, more than most people will admit. Having them to make your mother (or anyone else) happy or just because someone accidentally knocked you up are not good reasons.

Re: okay

[lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com]

ah I think I understand. well thanks what we're here fore.

[bop-radar.livejournal.com]

I never had those thoughts either... though that's normal for my peer group. I think if I do ever have kids, I'll be the odd one out. Actually I would be embarrassed in front of many of them to admit wanting kids. Isn't it strange how different groups have these different norms?

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Thank you, abi. :) You are wonderful! I appreciate the supportive words!

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sugar! *hugs* You are absolutely right. I know this in my head, but sometimes I get a little--fucked up. I'm much better now. :) It's so great that my LJ friends came through for me when I was feeling down.

Re: okay

[capnzebbie.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

Re: okay

[lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* take care hon.

[sugar-mcduff.livejournal.com]

Well, if friends you've never met can't help you, who can? ;) Hugs to you, too. We all get a little fucked up sometimes. Its nice to get reinforcement when you need it!